


Bucky, Natasha and the Week From Hell

by elliott (amywaited)



Series: Bucky, Natasha and the '...' [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Just a Thing, M/M, One Shot, avengers as a family, bullshitting, i guess, idk??, its kinda funny, pls read anyway, steve just wants to be healthy, tagging is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14520003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amywaited/pseuds/elliott
Summary: steve just wants to be healthy.everyone else disagrees.





	Bucky, Natasha and the Week From Hell

**Author's Note:**

> lol. set a bit after '...the sleepover' and bit before '...the girls trip' (but can be read as a standalone)

**Day One --**

“Steve?” Bucky says, frowning. “Where’d the Cocoa Pops go?”

“The what’s?” Steve asks, with a towel draped over his shoulders. “Why are you eating breakfast food right now, anyway? It’s lunchtime.”

“Didn’t answer my question, but sure, I’ll eat lunch food instead,” Bucky grumbles. 

“What are you gonna have?” 

“I dunno. Root around for someth- hey, where are all the chips?” Bucky asks.

Steve chuckles. “Right, I got rid of them.”

“You what? Why?”

“We’re eating healthy for a bit,” Steve says, “All any of us ever eat is pizza, or chinese, or fatty, sugary food.”   


“Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers? All we used to eat was fatty. If Tony finds out, he’ll kill you.”

“He can’t kill me if he’s dead from clogged arteries,” Steve says, all light and airy and not a care in the world.

Bucky crushes the bag of sugar-salt-fat-flavour free chips Steve had replaced all the good ones with in his metal fist.

 

*

 

“Hey, where’d the candy stash go?” Clint demands, dipping his hand into the box usually hidden in the top left cupboard.

“I got rid of it,” Steve says casually, tapping away at something on his tablet.

“You what?” Clint asks.

“Got rid of it,” Steve repeats.

“Why?” Clint says, shutting the cupboard door, spinning around and glaring at Steve. “Why would you even do that?”

“Because we need to get healthier. You have to admit it, Clint, none of us eat very healthily.”

“We make up for it by saving the entire fucking world,” Clint grumbles, “If that candy isn’t back by tomorrow, I’m gonna stab someone.” Then he stalks off in direction of his rooms, jabbing a finger at his phone.

“He gets grumpy when he doesn’t get his sugar,” Natasha says, wandering past. She has a freshly sharpened knife in her hand, and keeps spinning it around her palm. “Seriously.”

“He’ll be fine,” Steve says.

“You might not be,” Natasha mutters darkly, switching the coffee machine on. Steve doesn’t hear her.

 

*

 

“What the hell is going on with Steve?” Natasha says, hopping onto the counter in her kitchen.

Bucky shrugs. “I dunno. He’s being kinda stupid though, right?”

“He has a death wish, more like,” Natasha grumbles. “Clint’s going to go insane. Seriously. I just hope he hasn’t hidden the sugar pot.”

“I hope not. Tony lives off of sugary coffee, though. I don’t think even Steve is stupid enough to deprive Tony of sugary coffee,” Bucky says.

“I don’t know. He took the candy box, and the sugar cereals, and the Nutella, and the soda drinks,” Natasha says. “He definitely went a bit over the top.” “Hm,” Bucky hums. “I don’t know how long it’s going to last. He’s probably blocked all the take out numbers too.” “Clint really will murder someone if he’s done that.”   


“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Bucky shrugs.

“Yeah, no. He’s made stupid decisions before. I guess we’ll just have to find a load of sneaky places to store sugary foods,” Natasha says.

“Well, we’re all relatively good at the sneaking around thing. If it goes much further, I think we’ll be able to hide it from him.”   
  


**Day Two --**

 

It gets worse.

Bucky wakes up the next morning, tired and kind of grumpy (nightmares are a bitch. Hydra is a bitch) and really, really hungry. He’s got his mind set on a bowl of Rice Krispies (one of the few things he kind of remembered from before the war, before Hydra, before everything) (also one of the things that make him feel better after nightmares.)

Then he realises that Steve has fucking taken his fucking Rice Krispies and he’s really not sure how he feels about it.

Then he realises that Steve has replaced the Rice Krispies with bland, burnt, shrivelled, sad little lumps of something that vaguely resembles dog shit.

So he stands up, clenches and unclenches his metal fist, and then does the same with his flesh hand. Then he stalks all the way to Natasha’s floor.

 

*

 

“We’re going out for breakfast,” Bucky says, kind of loudly and not really caring if she isn’t awake yet.

She is, she comes out to the hall dressed in a pair of black sleep pants, and a grey silky top. “We are?”

“Steve replaced my Rice Krispies with shrivelled dog shit,” Bucky says.

Natasha’s eyes widen in realisation. “Right. Got it. Let me change and we’ll head right out.” She disappears back into her bedroom. Bucky just waits outside in the hall.

She changes quick, returning dressed in a white shirt and black jeans. “Where do you want to go?

“Anywhere that has edible food,” Bucky says.

Natasha nods. “Got it. Come on, then.”

 

*

 

She takes him to a place that claims they have ‘All Day Breakfast’ in multicoloured script on the chalk board outside. Thankfully, it’s pretty empty, and the only people in there are tired looking college students.

“I’ve never been here before,” Bucky says, glancing around at all the tables.

“I have. Once,” Natasha says. “But I’ve only ever needed to come once. I’ve never had a team leader force me out of my home by removing all the breakfast foods. Do you think Steve will mind if we go shopping later?”

“He doesn’t have to find out,” Bucky shrugs. “We’re both spies, we can smuggle in a bag of food.”

 

*

 

After eating, they find the nearest convenience store and stock up on candies, cookies, snacks, and breakfast foods. Natasha also buys a load of vegetables, if only to layer them on top of the candy in an attempt to throw Steve off of their scent.

It works, because Steve takes one glance in the bag and shrugs, before heading down to the gym. Natasha and Bucky exchange grins, all sort of sneaky and giggly before heading to her floor.

“Should we invite the others up?” Bucky asks.

“Tomorrow,” Natasha says. “We can get them up tomorrow. Until then,” she dumps the veg in the trash can, “What do you say about Titanic?”

 

**Day Three --**

 

**_Group Message to :_ ** **Hawkass, Iron Giant, The Good Doctor, Black Widow, Robocop**

**Black Widow  
** _ My floor. Now. Don’t tell Cap. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Why? What are you up to? _

**Robocop  
** _ Nat and I brought a load of candy back to the tower _

**Hawkass  
** _ You what? _

**Black Widow  
** _ Are you coming or not? _

**Black Widow  
** _ Just don’t let Steve find out, okay? We have no idea what he’s doing and I think the lack of sugar is doing things to his brain _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ Don’t turn up at the same time. Stagger it. If we all suddenly rush down to Nat’s floor, Steve’ll pick up on something. _

**Hawkass  
** _ You would have made an awesome spy, Bruce _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Better than you at any rate _

**Hawkass  
** _ Fuck off _

**Robocop  
** [Picture message]

**Robocop  
** _ That’s what we got. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ How the fuck did you sneak all that in? _

**Black Widow  
** [Picture message]

**Black Widow  
** _ All he saw was this _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ Is that vegetables? _

**Black Widow  
** _ Yep _

**Hawkass  
** _ I will be there in three minutes _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Not if I get there first _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ Stagger it, guys. Steve isn’t an idiot. If we aren’t careful he’ll notice something’s up. _

**Hawkass  
** _ One of us should talk to him _

**Robocop  
** _ He won’t listen to logic. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ He’s not listening to you?  _

**Iron Giant  
** _ His actual best friend since before any of us were born? _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Has he been possessed or something? _

**Robocop  
** _ Probably. _

**Black Widow  
** _ Clint just got here. Give it five minutes and then Tony or Bruce can come along _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Got it _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ This is kind of fun, isn’t it? _

**Hawkass  
** _ You think this suffering is fun? _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ No- sneaking around. It’s exciting, isn’t it? _

**Iron Giant  
** _ I, for one, feel kind of bad that I’m hiding stuff from my boyfriend, and my team leader _

**Iron Giant  
** _ But this is a special circumstance, so it’s not so bad _

**Hawkass  
** _ This sucks, guys. Someone needs to talk to Steve _

**Robocop  
** _ I have no idea who he’ll listen to, though. _

**Black Widow  
** _ He won’t listen to me. Not Clint. I’d have said definitely Bucky, but maybe he’ll listen to you, Tony. Or Bruce. But most likely Bucky or Tony. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ I can try talking to him _

**Iron Giant  
** _ I just don’t know how well it’ll go. I can’t let on that we’re conspiring against him, can I? _

**Black Widow  
** _ I wouldn’t. We’ll just have to sneak around for a bit. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ That’s alright. Clint’s spy skills could do some touching up on _

**Hawkass  
** _ At least they’re better than yours. _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ It isn’t some kind of contest. _

**Robocop  
** _ Everything’s a contest when it comes to those two _

**Black Widow  
** _ Point. Tony, you can head over now. Bruce last. _

**The Good Doctor  
** _ What do we do if Steve finds out? _

**Hawkass  
** _ Throw a hissy fit until he returns all the food? _

**Black Widow  
** _ We’re heroes, not children. We’ll think of something. _

 

**Day Four --**

 

“I hate this,” Clint moans, thumping his head on Natasha’s table top. “We’re all out of candy, so we’ll need to send someone out for supplies soon. But we can’t send someone who’ll make Steve suspicious.”   


“Stop complaining,” Natasha snaps. “I’ll go. Say it’s for that time of the month. Steve’ll be so embarrassed he won’t even question it.”

“But you don’t-” Clint says.

“I know. But Steve will be so embarrassed, he won’t even question me,” she repeats.

“She’s right,” Bucky says. “He won’t want to interrupt, so he’ll probably let you just go.”   


“Perfect, then. I’ll be back in half an hour. Any requests?”

Clint grabs a sheet of paper and starts listing things. Natasha just rolls her eyes and snatches it up.

 

*

 

“Hey, Nat!” Steve says brightly, when she runs into him in the elevator. “Where are you off to?”

Natasha smiles sheepishly. “Morning, Steve. Just heading to the pharmacy, for, you know. Girly stuff.”   


Predictably, Steve turns bright red. “Of course. I won’t, uh, keep you, then.”

Natasha smiles to herself, patting the list in her pocket.

 

*

 

“How much did he blush?” Bucky asks as soon as she shuts her door. The four of them are all crowded in a semi circle around the door to lounge. Clint looks sort of feral.

“Like a tomato,” Natasha says. “Which means I was able to get this without any trouble at all.” She upends the bag, tipping out everything on Clint’s list and more.

“Oh, thank fuck,” Clint says, nabbing a pack of Skittles.

“Does he even know you can’t menstruate anymore?” Bruce asks.

Natasha shrugs. “No idea. He’d be too embarrassed to ask, anyway. It worked in our favour this time, though.” She tosses him a Snickers bar.

Bucky picks up a pack of Twizzlers, ripping it open with his metal arm. “I talked to him last night. He said he had no idea what we were complaining about, and said that we’d get used to it after a while. I don’t think talking to him one on one will work.”   


“We need to ambush him, then,” Clint declares.

“Counter productive,” Natasha says. “We’ll bring it up at the next team dinner. Which will be on Friday. We can last another three days, right?”

“I probably can,” Bruce says. “Tony could too, if he tried.” Tony nods in agreement.

“I’ll be able to deal unless I have a nightmare,” Bucky says.

“I think Clint’s going to have the hardest time,” Natasha says. “If anything, this has just highlighted how dependant we all are on sugar.”   


“Nat, please. We save the world. We deserve the small things,” Clint says.

“That we do,” Tony says. “It’ll be fine. Three days will go by faster than we expect it to.”   


“I hope so,” Clint whines. “This has been hard enough as it is.”   


Bucky chuckles. “We’ve done a lot worse than this before, really.”   


“Before, it was normally at risk of death or destruction,” Clint counters. 

 

**Day Five --**

 

**_Private Message to :_ ** **Hawkass**

**Black Widow  
** _ Cookies in the shower stalls. _

**Hawkass  
** _ You what? _

**Black Widow  
** _ Second floor of R&D. Bathrooms. Shower stall. Cookies. _

**Hawkass  
** _ Which stall? _

**Black Widow  
** _ Nearest the window on the left. In the fake brick cubby hole. _

**Hawkass  
** _ I love you _

Clint locks his phone before heading into the elevator. Luckily, no one comes after him, so he’s free to roam the R&D floors at his leisure.

It’s a spy thing, he tells himself, as he navigates the second floor. Memorising the blue prints of every building he enters is a spy thing. Spy habit. At least now it’s coming in handy, because he’s able to make his way to the shower cubicles without running into anyone who would question his presence.

Clint finds the fake brick in the shower stall on the left side (there’s one in every cubicle, but only he, Natasha, Bucky and Tony know about them). Natasha did hide cookies in there, so he pulls out the packet and grins before opening it and grabbing three.

**Black Widow  
** _ Put it back when you’re done, yeah? _

**Hawkass  
** _ Got it. Thank you. _

**Hawkass  
** _ The sooner this is over, the better. _

**Black Widow  
** _ You got that right. _

Clint reaches up to replace the cookies, before pushing the fake brick back in. Steve is an asshole, he thinks to himself, sneaking out of the showers, and back into the elevators.

 

*

 

**_Group Message to :_ ** **Black Widow, Robocop, Iron Giant**

**Robocop  
** _ Jelly beans hidden _

**Black Widow  
** _ Awesome. Where? _

**Robocop  
** _ Lobby. Under the loose floorboard in the far left corner. _

**Black Widow  
** _ Good place. Just make sure Steve doesn’t catch you. Either of you. _

**Iron Giant  
** _ Have a little faith. I can get myself out of anything _

**Black Widow  
** _ Believe it when I see it. _

 

**Day Six --**

 

“This is getting real old, real quick,” Tony says. He’s fiddling with one of the bottled green smoothies Steve had restocked the fridge with. “Normally, I’m cool with a little bit of health. But this is going too far. He’s taken all the coffee beans. Apparently, caffeine stunts your growth and I don’t know how to tell him that I’m already grown.”

“Not like you’ll get much taller anyway,” Clint teases.

“Yeah, alright, beanpole,” Tony retorts. “We need to discuss this with him tomorrow.”

“I know,” Natasha says. “And we will. Bruce, will you be okay making something for dinner?”

Bruce shrugs. “I’ll see what I can do with all the low fat stuff we have.”

“Try to make it so we’ll all eat at least some of it,” Natasha pleads.

“I’m ninety percent certain I’ll have eaten a hell of a lot worse than that before,” Bucky remarks. “I’ll probably be able to power through it.”   


Somehow, that prompts Clint to start listing all of the disgusting things he’s eaten before on SHIELD missions, which sets Tony off to start comparing. Which kind of makes Bucky lose his appetite, but it’s kind of amusing.

 

**Day Seven --**

 

“Bruce is making dinner tonight,” Natasha says, unscrewing the cap of a bottle of water.

“Is he?” Steve says, sounding painfully happy. “Awesome. We’ll have it about seven, unless anyone as any other plans.”   


“I think we’re all free,” Natasha says. Then she swallows a big mouthful of water, so Steve doesn’t say much else.

 

*

 

Bruce actually makes something pretty good, and surprisingly edible. Bucky actually likes it, and by the looks of it, so does Clint.

“So, how has everyone been?” Steve asks, maybe half way through. “Feels like I’ve hardly seen any of you recently.”

Tony and Clint exchange glances. Natasha and Bucky meet eyes. Bruce just eats another mouthful of healthy nut rabbit food.

“We’ve been.. Well. Look, Steve,” Tony says, “Look. I love you. You know I do, we all love you. You’re a great guy, seriously. But look. What’s been going on the past week?”

“What do you mean what’s been going on?” Steve asks.

“Why have you been switching out all of our food with the rabbit shit?” Clint says, bluntly.

“Oh! I’ve decided that, as team leader, it’s my responsibility to make sure you’re all healthy and eating well. So I’ve put together a new diet for all of us,” Steve explains. “Why?”

Clint groans. “Because it fucking sucks. Why didn’t you talk to us beforehand?”

“Because you would never have agreed,” Steve says.

“He’s got a point,” Natasha says.

“You’re on our side, Nat. Act like it,” Clint grumbles.

“You know I’m on your side,” Natasha says. “I think if we keep up this diet, it’ll tear the team apart.”   


“You really think that?” Steve frowns.

“I really think that.”   


“I think that too,” Tony mutters. “Sorry, Steve.”   


Steve’s mouth turns down. “Do the rest of you think this too?”

“I do,” Clint says, feverently.

“I think we could adjust it,” Bruce says quietly.

“Bucky?” Steve asks.

“Look, Stevie. It’s pretty rough,” Bucky admits. “We can’t just cut out cold turkey. We’re spies, we’ve been finding ways around it.”   


Steve’s eyes narrow. “What ways around it?”

Natasha glances at Tony, Clint and Bucky before nodding. “The fake bricks in the R&D shower cubicles. The vegetables. The girl stuff.”

“The what bricks in the where showers?” Steve asks.

“Fake bricks in the R&D showers,” Tony says, sullenly. “We’ve been trading cookies and candy in them.

“And the veg was me and Nat. We went out to breakfast, then brought candies. Hid them with carrots,” Bucky says. “You fell for it."   


“And that day when I told you I needed girl stuff?” Natasha says, “Yeah. I don’t get my menstrual cycle, not after the Red Room. But you were too embarrassed to ask about it, so we used it as an excuse to get more.”   


“Oh,” Steve says. “Why didn’t you guys say anything?”

“We tried, babe,” Tony groans. “Bucky tried, I tried. This is an intervention.”   


“Now we’re all trying,” Clint says. “We need the candy back.”

Steve frowns again. “But-”

“Steve, we aren’t unhealthy, if that’s what you’re worried about. Honestly, we’re probably some of the fittest people on earth. We all work out at least once a day, we fight physically taxing battles weekly, at least. I think we’re doing fine,” Natasha says. “Promise. We deserve the little things. If we want chocolate strawberries in exchange for saving the world, then we should be able to get them, right?”

“Right,” Steve agrees. “Right.”   


“So you’ll put all the sugar back?” Clint asks.

“I.. will,” Steve says reluctantly. “Sorry, team. You’re right, I should have talked to you first.”   


“How about a compromise,” Bruce suggests. “We’ll stop having takeout every night. Instead, we can take it in turns to make healthy dinners, unless it’s a special occasion or something.”   


“As long as we never have a week like that again,” Clint says sincerely.

 

**Author's Note:**

> lol. idk what this is. im just.. falling in love with winterhawk and buck and nat and UGH
> 
> comment what u thought lol. this is the week that bucky and clint talk about in the second chapter of '... the date'
> 
> idk. i have nothing else to say
> 
> take care of urself


End file.
